Unidentified dead thing removed from C Block rafters after overwhelming stench of death affects students' learning
A formal complaint was lodged yesterday when a junior maths teacher, who has asked to remain anonymous, was unable to maintain students’ interest in trigonometric functions
“The students couldn’t pay attention. I was teaching the soh-cah-toa rule, and not a single one looked up from their screens; it was becoming a real problem. Oh, and there was a smell too.”, the teacher told the Wetlands Post.
Respite from singed nose hairs arrived in period 2 yesterday, when the grade 8 maths students were graced with a entourage of groundskeepers who lifted the drop ceiling panels and scrounged around, identifying the source of the stench in record time. Witnesses report seeing a nondescript black mass - recovered from the crawlspace - be quickly taken away, however accounts of its exact appearance vary.
“It was wet and furry” one student argued; another maintained it had a “slimy, sludgy texture”. The class was ostensibly unable to come to a verdict as to the animal’s identity. A full autopsy will be conducted later this week in the Science Block.
Questions are now arising as to the prolonged time taken to remove the corpse, with some reports claiming the smell had been present for the past 3 months. “We had no idea there was a problem,” one groundsman asserted from the breakroom. “We’ve been so tied up with the bush turkey’s mound that we had no idea of the smell emanating from the building right next door. We just chalked it up to the kids’ bad B.O.”
The Wetlands Post data team predicts productivity will increase significantly following the pest’s removal, arguing some teachers may need to reevaluate their hands-off PowerPoint presentation teaching style to accommodate newly-engaged students. In light of these findings, a snap meeting has been arranged to facilitate the creation of course content.
Without a rotting carcass to stink up the classroom, The Wetlands Post understands that the beloved smell of musty carpet has once again returned to C Block, much to the approval of students and teachers alike.
An ambassador from the Australian possum embassy refused our request for comment.
More to come